Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Living Recovery

I went to my group therapy yesterday, where I had a kind of weird time. I am suddenly in a new place.

Our first assignment right out of the gate last night was to come up with a title for whatever chapter of our lives we're in. Not surprisingly, perhaps, I titled mine, "Living Recovery." Once we came up with a title or a picture to describe it, we were to write for a time about where we are right now. Here's what I shared.

Standing strong. Facing the headwinds. I feel the force of the gale blowing in my face. It's refreshing, but I could so easily be knocked of balance if I'm not vigilant - if I don't keep taking steps forward.

I have so recently climbed to my feet after being keeled over by the buffeting winds. I do not want - will not allow myself - to be pushed back to that filthy and unforgiving ground.

I resolve to stand firm - my belt of Truth buckled around my waist, the shield of faith deflecting the blows of my enemies. The helmet of salvation covering my vulnerable head and mind. My feet don't want to move forward, yet, but I'm doing it anyway. They cannot remain rooted.

I have tools - blog, friends, therapy, medicine, and I have my
God, my gracious and loving Savior Who watches over me and protects me from all evil. I know where I am blessed. This is my last stand.

I realized as I wrote it what that last sentence means. God has clearly told me that I will be free of this disease by the end of the year. It's very frightening to say this in print because of the fact that it makes it real. It makes me have to do something about it.

But I have to say it because it's real already. God is ready to move me. Oy.....

I have been undergoing a spiritual siege from satan. He has done so much evil against me lately that it makes me rejoice because it means that somewhere, somehow, I'm doing something right. You don't fight an enemy who isn't threatening you - you reserve your strength for the ones who will do the most damage to you.

Let me just disclaim here - I am in no way suggesting that I can conquer satan in my life. By no means! I am the weakest of the weak - but God, my protector is invincible. Actua
lly, He's already defeated satan, so I can live victoriously in Him.

I have seen Eddie desperate to come out kickin' on my behalf. Bless my girl. She's in a deathly rage on my behalf for the injustice she sees, but her instincts are not so good anymore. I've been working to handle everything that's been thrown at me in the most Godly manner. I have fallen short of that, which just proves to me again that I need a Savior.

But, since I have restrained Eddie's sarcasm and rage, she's taking it out on me. I haven't eaten properly or right amounts in days. Those boots HURT when they come in contact with my gluteus. I'm suspicious that she's attached a pair of sharp cleats just to heighten the impact.

She's fighting mad, and frustrated and wounded. This poor, aching girl is so much my heart, and I grieve for what we have both endured. But I refer you to my Gloria Gaynor post. I - we - will survive. We must. Not to survive this is death, and I'm not ready to die.

This is my final stand.


sthnbelle said...

Alleluia and AMEN, Diva!

DeskDiva said...

Thank you, 'belle. :) Friends like you make my life worth living.

FuckED said...

Wow. You didn't mention this on Monday night. That's awesome. So very cool.

I'm working on a way to come back to group. Without a doubt, it will happen in March. I can't take not being in group.

DeskDiva said...

Yeah. We got talking about other things. I did mention it to S when we were leaving, though, because I forgot to say it earlier.

YAY!!!!! I can't wait to have you back there. :) I'm so glad!

I'm glad you're my friend, too. =)