Thursday, December 01, 2011

Admitting Addiction

This was my share today on my OA link. I'm sharing it here because maybe it will enlighten you just a bit about what I deal with every day.

Hi, I'm The Diva, and I'm a food addict. Today is the first day I have said those words and understood what they meant when I said them. Last night - well, the wee hours of this morning, to be exact - found me in a food rage when the unplanned snack I was looking for was nowhere to be found. I stood hunched over the sink breathing hard and hanging onto the counter feeling like if I let go I would be choosing to give in to an uncontrollable rampage. I truly have no way of expressing the divine recognition that poured through me that (1) I was beyond all self-control, but (2) that I was also at a decision point - I could find some unsatisfying substitute food and go on a feeding frenzy until the demon was sated into submission, or I could open my hand and let go of the need. I kept remembering my therapist's words: the only way to change your behavior is to change your behavior.

 I don't know why the words sank in just at that moment, but they did. I knew I could do exactly what I have done so many times before, but reality stepped in and quietly showed me mental pictures of just exactly what "satisfaction" I have ever received by doing that. I recognized in that moment that I did not have to give in to the monster inside me that was screaming for release. I could do something different.

 So I did. I got that final grip on myself, walked into the living room, sat down in my chair, grabbed my journal for once and started writing. As I did, the enormous realization rose up and grabbed my throat. I knew in that instant what it meant to be an addict in desperate need of a fix, and it shook me to my core. The ranting and raving kind of died in my throat. And I felt better. One simple paragraph is all it took.

 And that's where I am today. Thanks for listening.


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