I have suffered with an eating disorder for 25 years. This is my path through recovery.
Friday, February 08, 2008
It Ain't Easy Bein' GreenGreen is not my best color, yet I seem to be willing to wear it regularly. Jealousy does NOT become me. I have a friend - I'll call him Eric - whose behavior toward me has changed, and not for the better. Suddenly when we're in public, he's yakking with the "cool" girls and barely acknowledges anything I say. In private he'll talk with me about things, but when the others are around, he courts their attention and ignores me. Oh, he'll make a brief comment if I address him, but beyond that I might as well not exist.
It makes me really ache inside. I do not deserve to be treated this way, and I know that I have done nothing to warrant any kind of poor treatment from him. I have never spoken ill of him or said anything unkind to or about him. Not once. It hurts because he's supposed to be my friend.
If I say anything to him, I'll get pegged as jealous and needy, and right now I could not stand that. I'm extremely angry because I feel like my hands are tied and I don't know how to rectify the situation to my own satisfaction. At this point, I almost don't care if I hurt his feelings - that's how hurt I am.
Why do I allow other people's treatment of me to color how I view and treat myself? I won't stand up and say anything because I'm afraid of looking petty and insecure. And of course there's the chance that he's not even aware of what he's doing.
In the meantime, I'll be trying to rescind the green eyes from the monster and put them back in my own head where they belong.